6 Easy Ways to Spot a Toxic Person

Most of us want to avoid toxic people in our lives – but doing so can be tricky. Toxic people are often charming, manipulative, and exciting to be around. Most of us don’t spend our time with new friends on the lookout for troublesome behavior. We prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt and concentrate on having fun. Usually we aren’t even aware we’ve encountered a toxic person until we have already fallen deep into their web. So – how do we avoid toxic people without over-analyzing each move a new acquaintance makes?
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Here are six simple signs to help you spot a toxic person early on:

1. She exhibits casual disrespect.

This could involve littering, eye-rolling, or talking to your waitress in a condescending tone. She might also disobey minor rules, assuming that she is above them. For example, she may opt to take a selfie at an event where the organizers were clear about no photography being allowed. She might leave her dirty plate at the dinner table, confident that someone else will clear it for her. This behavior indicates a lack of consideration for others, as well as an over-inflated ego. It is best to steer clear – she is likely to treat your feelings with the same care as the shirt she left crumpled on the dressing room floor.

2. He is an expert at deflecting blame.

He avoids taking responsibility in any kind of conflict, deftly shifting the blame to those nearby. If his wife hadn’t nagged him to mow the lawn, he wouldn’t have tripped and hurt himself. If his boss weren’t such a jerk, he’d have gotten a raise by now. Nothing is his fault. This mindset applies not only to arguments with his loved ones, but to run-ins authority figures as well. He can always talk his way out of a speeding ticket, for example, no matter how frequently he is pulled over. This behavior will keep a toxic person from growing and maturing in the way the rest of us do when we make a mistake or encounter conflict.
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3. She is the queen of humble-bragging.

Is she absolutely fantastic at her job – way better than her co-workers? Is she sure they’re trying their best, though? Does she also manage to squeeze in yoga, French lessons, room parent duties, equestrian hobbies, and cultivate a beautiful garden? Do you know all of this because she told you three times? Does she tell everyone she meets – almost immediately? Accomplishing great things is admirable, and not at all worrisome behavior. What becomes troubling is when she has the need to use her accomplishments to inflate her own ego in relation to yours.

4. He interrupts you.

Interrupting others is more than annoying – it’s a sign of deeper trouble. Speaking over another person sends the message that your words are inherently much more important than theirs. The ability to do so casually is evidence of a deeply self-centered character with little regard for the thoughts and feelings of others. The choice to interrupt also signals that your friend is not listening. He is just waiting for his turn to speak – and he is not even doing that correctly. As Brian Spellman said, “First, let me finish. Then interrupt.”
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5. She needs all of your attention, and everyone else’s, forever.

“I love to be the center of attention. My oversized ego craves it and needs it,” joked Paul Shaffer. Your friend’s need for the spotlight, however, is no joke. It is a sign of toxicity. People who need constant validation from others are likely not secure in their own skin. This dissatisfaction and self-loathing is the root of most toxic behavior. Her own validation is not enough, because she does not value her own perspective. Until she learns to love herself, she will always crave approval from those around her – and sadly, it will never be enough.

6. He has something rude to say about everyone.

Dummies, fatties, and poor people, beware – you will not escape his eagle eye for criticism. His favorite past-time is to make crushing observations of people who have done nothing to deserve any kind of scrutiny. Perhaps he has never even met his target. This seems counter-intuitive when you consider his own ego, which is likely made of glass. However, these two behaviors are most definitely connected. “Judging others is easy because it distracts us from the responsibility of judging ourselves,” observed Charles F. Glassman. By tearing another person down, your friend is building his own ego in the most toxic way possible.

William Gay put it very simply. “There’s folks you just don’t need. You’re better off without em. Your life is just a little better because they ain’t in it.” Don’t waste time on friendships that bring you down. Find a friend who builds you up and makes you a better person.

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Evidence that Homophobia is Self-Hatred

It’s a popular thought that people who are hateful towards the LGBTQ community are actually struggling with their own homosexual feelings. This idea is comforting because it not only explains their anger, but humanizes them and highlights their vulnerability. Is it true though, or is it just a lie that we tell ourselves in an attempt to make sense of irrational violence and prejudice?
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We were not the only ones who found this question to be compelling. Researchers from the University of Rochester, the University of California, and the University of Essex conducted a study that examined homophobia, sexual desire, and upbringing. They included four different experiments that covered hundreds of students throughout Germany and the United States. Implicit sexual desire was measured through word and picture tests that gauged the subject’s unconscious reactions to a wide variety of verbal and visual stimuli. Whether or not the subject was homophobic was measured in the same way – and also, they just asked. Sadly, many subjects were much more forthcoming in regards to their hatred than their genuine desires (which, I guess, is the whole point.)

Unsurprisingly, the subjects who were identified as closeted homosexuals were overwhelmingly the same ones who exhibited high levels of hostility towards gay people. “Individuals who identify as straight but in psychological tests show a strong attraction to the same sex may be threatened by gays and lesbians because homosexuals remind them of similar tendencies within themselves,” explained Netta Weinstein, a lecturer at the University of Essex and the study’s lead author.

The closeted subjects were also much more likely to report being raised in authoritarian households by parents who were not comfortable with homosexuality. They reported that their parents were very controlling throughout their childhood, and that they did not feel free to express their individuality at home. They had little say in how they lived their lives. Sadly, it would appear that this mindset followed them into adulthood.

It’s ironic, in a way. The firm discipline that these parents undoubtedly believed would ensure good behavior actually led their children to become violent and hateful – both to others and to themselves. “In many cases these are people who are at war with themselves and they are turning this internal conflict outward,” added study co-author Richard Ryan. “We laugh at or make fun of such blatant hypocrisy, but in a real way, these people may often themselves be victims of repression and experience exaggerated feelings of threat. Homophobia is not a laughing matter. It can sometimes have tragic consequences.”

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Are Antisocial People Actually Sick?

In the wake of a tragedy like the Orlando shooting, there is an odd sense of comfort in the idea that anyone capable of such an act must be profoundly unwell. We like to think that their brains are wired differently than our own for many reasons. It is easier to come to terms with their actions when we see them as the uncontrollable manifestation of a sickness, rather than a conscious decision. It reassures us that such unspeakable violence could never happen at the hands of one of our loved ones, or even ourselves. It helps us make sense of the unthinkable.
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But is it true?

For years it has been widely acknowledged that people who engage in violent and severely antisocial behavior must have something wrong with their brains. However, there has been very little research conducted in this area. Truly, it is a thought that most would rather accept than investigate.

A very recent study sought to delve more deeply into the connection between antisocial behavior and abnormal brain activity. Researchers used neuroimaging methods to study the brains of teenagers who had been diagnosed with conduct disorder. Conduct disorder is characterized by aggression towards people and animals, destruction of property, deceitfulness, lying, stealing, and a propensity towards serious rule violations – all things that we might associate with antisocial behavior. The results were eye-opening.
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The researchers conducted brain scans on nearly a hundred young people, some of whom had been diagnosed with conduct disorder and some who had not. They used these scans to assess the thickness of many areas of the cerebral cortex, a part of the brain in which damage can impact a person’s capacity for awareness, perception, memory, and other traits that help us to engage in life and connect to others with ease.

This study found many clear and measurable differences in the brain development of young people whose behavioral problems had started in childhood and those who began to act out as teenagers. The researchers also found that both groups differed significantly in their brain development from the control subjects, who did not suffer from behavioral abnormalities.

These results are groundbreaking not only in understanding antisocial behavior, but also in defining conduct disorder as a medical illness rather than a decision to behave poorly. The discovery of neurological differences between those who began to stray from normal behavior as children and as teenagers is also significant, as it points to the possibility of environmental factors in the latter group. More studies of this kind are desperately needed. They could help not only in the prevention of violence and tragedy, but also in giving these children a chance to assimilate into society as helpful and productive citizens.

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20 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Commit

“To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect,” wrote Criss Jami in Venus in Arms. There is no such thing as a perfect partner. However, if you both put a tremendous amount of time and work into your relationship, you can build a perfect love.
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Here are 20 questions that can help you to determine whether you and your partner are ready for this.

1. Do you feel like you can be your most authentic self around him – or do you feel pressured to act like the version of yourself he likes best?

2. Does she take accountability for her mistakes, or does she shift the blame back to you?

3. Does spending time together feel exhausting or invigorating?

4. Does he love you even when you are at your worst? Selfish? Insecure? Irritable?

5. Are you each able to maintain a separate and complete identity – one that has nothing to do with your relationship?

6. When you disagree, is she strong enough to stand by her opinion without caving? Is she open-minded enough to accept yours without trying to change it?

7. Does he put up walls when you try to communicate about something important?

8. Does she listen during an argument, or just wait for an opportunity to make her point?

9. Does he help you to become a better person?

10. Does she put you on a pedestal? What if you don’t live up to her unrealistic expectations?

11. Is spending time with him more fun than being alone or with friends?

12. Do you believe that she is always honest with you? Do you trust her word against anyone else’s?

13. Can you count on him? Has he always shown up for you when you needed him – physically, emotionally, and socially?

14. Does she build you up, or does she tear you down? Your partner should never make you feel bad about yourself.

15. Does he hold grudges?

16. How does she interact with your family? Does she make an effort to get along with them? Does she encourage you to have a healthy relationship with them?

17. Does he respect your opinions? Does he encourage you to share your viewpoints even when they do not align with his own? Or does he try to silence or change them?

18. Does she support your passions and cheer you on? Is this the case even when she does not share them?

19. Does he love and respect himself as much as he loves and respects you?

20. Are you the very best version of yourself when you are with her?

Did one or more of these questions lead to an uncomfortable answer? Good – that would indicate that you are being honest. No relationship is perfect, because no two people are perfect. However, a worrisome answer might point you in the right direction for growth. Is your partner willing and able to evolve in these ways? This is where the true test begins. “Yesterday I was clever,” said Rumi, “so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

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5 Ways to Build a Strong Intimate Relationship

“Love must face reality if it is to survive,” wrote Loretta Livingstone in Jumping in the Puddles of Life. When we think of love, we often think of the good times – date nights, weddings, and the occasional romantic getaway. However, reality is not made up of these scenes. It is composed of rushed Wednesday mornings and broken lamps and strep throat epidemics. These are the little moments that make or break relationships. So, how do we get through them? How do we navigate the long, dreary expanse between tropical vacations and fancy dinners?
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It all starts with your mindset.

Here are five outlooks you can adopt that will keep your relationship happy, healthy, and strong:

Focus of loving, rather than on being loved.

A little understood fact is that it isn’t being loved that makes us happy, but giving love. This is wonderful because giving love is something that we control, while being loved is not within our power at all. When you focus on your partner’s unique needs, you will learn who she is more thoroughly and grow to love her more deeply. This may inspire her to do the same for you – or it may not. Either way, you are enriching your own life through the act of love. This course of action involves the creation of positive energy towards your partner and your relationship. Focusing on being loved yourself, by contrast, produces anxious energy pointed inward. This may cause you to be self-conscious, insecure, or overly critical.

Check your expectations.

It is healthy to expect your partner to treat you with respect and kindness. However, many of us put other expectations on our partner that are unfair. Do you expect him to act, dress, and speak in a certain way? Do you expect him to make a certain amount of money? You may want to examine why you do so. Even more common is the tendency to put unfair expectations on the relationship itself. Do you expect your relationship to make you happy all of the time? Do you expect your partner to make you whole and complete? If so, you are setting yourself up for a bitter disappointment.
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Celebrate the everyday.

Eventually the honeymoon glow wears off. What happens next? The rest of your life is full of workdays, traffic jams, and cancelled babysitters. This is when many couples lose their spark. They develop a relationship that more closely resembles roommates than lovers. Don’t let this happen to you. Add some magic to your daily routine that is secret and special. Keep it just between the two of you. Kiss at stoplights. Leave sweet notes or dirty pictures (whatever your style) in each other’s lunch bags. Bake her favorite dessert. Send flowers for no reason. Do something to make her day special as often as you can.

Love yourself.

Self-care is as important to your relationship as caring for your partner is. If you are not happy and healthy, then you are not giving your best self. Take the time to make that happen. This is not only because your partner deserves the best version of you. It’s because you deserve to be that person, as well! Commit to a weekly moment in which to focus on the things you need. Encourage him to do the same. If your significant other is threatened by this behavior, consider it a red flag. A healthy relationship is the union of two whole individuals – not two halves trying to fit together.

Learn to listen.

Everyone thinks they are a good listener. Do you really listen though, or do you just wait to talk? As Stephen R. Covey wrote in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Listening is a tricky skill to master, but it is an incredibly valuable one. By practicing active listening, you can diffuse fights and come to a deeper understanding and intimacy with one another. Isn’t that the dream?

“As much as I enjoy romance, it’s commitment that I need the most. I need to know a love I can depend on, a love that says, “I will be with you through it all. I love you. And I will love you even when you may not be all that lovable, for sometimes I’m not very lovable either. You can count on me – always,” said Steve Goodier. When we consider the reality of daily life, this is the love we all want. Try out one of the mindsets above, and see if the change in perspective helps you to build it.

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A Toast To Your Memory! Champagne Confers Anti-Alzheimer’s Benefits

In a study conducted by the University of Reading in 2013, scientists determined that the consumption of champagne can actually improve certain brain functions. These functions contribute specifically to protection against Alzheimer’s disease, the age-onset crippling neurological disorder affecting 5.2 million Americans.
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The study was conducted on rodents in initial testing and showed that the phenolic compounds present in champagne improves spatial memory, “which is responsible for recording information about one’s environment, and storing the information for future navigation” as noted by the study. Because the phenolic compounds present in champagne previously showed no biological activity, scientists were surprised by the findings.

Phenolic compounds are present because of the interaction of red grapes, specifically Pinot Noir and Pinot Meunier, with white grapes used to make champagne. While champagne was previously thought to only contain benefits similar to white wine, the presence of the red grapes is significant enough to create a possible phenolic effect that suggests memory skills may be improved by its moderate consumption.
Champagne is the official bubbly brain function booster.

Moderate is, of course, the name of the game. Scientists caution against excessive consumption of alcohol, especially for patients struggling with symptoms of Alzheimer’s and dementia. Up to three glasses per week may be, according to scientists, a perfect amount; any greater volume would potentially do more harm than good.

The likely reason for the activity of the phenolic compounds in the red grapes is the presence of flavonoids. Flavonoids are groups of plant metabolites thought to offer antioxidant protection and greater efficiency to cellular pathway signaling. They may provide a wide range of health benefits to humans.

So go ahead and raise a glass to your continued health and well-being! Just don’t refill it too frequently.

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8 Ways You Are Unknowingly Making Yourself Unattractive

Despite the fact that we try to be good, decent human beings, we occasionally display “less than great” behaviour. Sometimes, tendencies emerge which push others away, cause aggravation, or just plain annoy those in your vicinity. No one is perfect, but if you find that you are displaying any of the bad habits listed below, you are making yourself unattractive to others without even knowing it.
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1. Being Self-Centered

A lot of people are unaware that they are guilty of this behaviour. A conversation begins with someone talking about their day and ends with you talking about yours. Don’t fall into the “me” trap! It is fine and dandy to want to share your awesome experiences with the rest of the world, but try to let others have the spotlight to themselves once in a while. Listen to yourself when you speak. How often do you use “I” in your conversations with others? If you find it to be quite often, you might be shifting the focus to yourself without realizing it. Bite your tongue and listen to others when they speak. Giving someone the attention they deserve is important in all types of relationships.

2. Ignoring Inner-Beauty/Focusing On Outer-Beauty

The truth is, real beauty lies within. However, not everyone understand this. Solely focusing on someone’s outward appearance and ignoring what resides within their heart is a majorly unattractive trait. For most of us, we can’t drastically change how we look on the outside. All we can do is improve ourselves on the inside and help others to understand what is really important.

3. Being Overly-Competitive

News flash: not everything is a competition. In fact, overly-competitive behaviour is rather unattractive. If your friend has a fear of heights and climbs a tree, and you respond with “Oh yeah, I climbed a tree three times that height,” you are being competitive. Instead, you should be supportive in your relationships. Congratulate your friend on conquering their fears and remember to let them have their moment.
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4. Questioning Your Value In The Friendship

You are important. Your friends are your friends because they like you and value your friendship. Constantly questioning why someone has befriended you, or why they “tolerate” or “put up with you” will only cause annoyance. Even the most patient people have a limit. If you find yourself questioning your value in the friendship, look inside and understand that you aren’t really doubting them, you are doubting you.

5. Controlling The Friendship

Every healthy relationship is based on equality and honesty. Having complete control of every decision and having to be in charge of the relationship is unattractive, at best. Share the experience of friendship with others by inviting them into he decision-making. Ask them what they would like to do, or how they feel about something, instead of telling them. You will find a lot more people will enjoy your company when you include them in the important things.
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6. Lying

Obviously no one wants to be around a dishonest person. Therefore, lying is the fastest way to become unattractive. Honesty is needed for trust, and trust is needed for a solid, stable relationship. If you want to improve your relationships, you need to be honest with yourself and others.

7. Being Rude Or Mean

Every day, people have to face things dislike. There is no need to be rude about it though. Making snarky comments, or rude remarks about someone’s choice of music or their attire will push people away from you. Decent human beings tend to gravitate towards positive people, so try to make your words reflect less negativity. As a plus, you will notice your quality of life improves when your outlook improves.

8. Being Unreliable

Constantly letting people down is a very unattractive trait. When someone needs your help, and you tell them they can count on you, they should really be able to trust your words. By being unreliable, you are basically telling the other person that they aren’t important, and no one wants to be friends with someone like that. We are all important, and their time is just as valuable as yours.

I believe that these 8 unattractive behaviours can be transformed into something beautiful, despite their ugliness. Recognizing the areas within ourselves that need improvement, and then working on those areas, is paramount for growth. And a person who is concerned about the betterment of themselves is pretty darn attractive.

By Raven Fon

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